Letting Go
by NCISVU
Summary: Jethro and Tony think they have the perfect relationship. They aren't committed enough to each other to get hurt if things fall apart but they are committed enough to no longer see other people. It's the perfect arrangement. That is, until a secret from Tony's past is revealed. Do they risk heartache, go all in and face the issue head on or will one or both of them run and hide?
1. Chapter 1

**Warning & Author's Note: **Dark and angsty. Past sexual abuse of one of the show's main characters (when they were a minor), which might get a little graphic at times. Set between seasons 2 and 3, post-Kate but pre-Ziva.

This is very much a WIP. I'll be posting it chapter by chapter as I get it written but I can't promise regular weekly updates. All I can promise is that the story WILL be finished. I'm hoping a little feedback from you guys as I write will be the motivation I need to start cranking out chapter fics again.**  
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* * *

**Letting Go**

**Chapter One: Insubordination **

Despite the incessant throbbing in his own dick, Jethro paused for a moment to take in the sight of Tony all stretched out in the bed, waiting for him. At thirty one years old the man had never been in better shape and even if he played at being immature, Jethro knew better. Tony had the maturity of someone twice his age which was even sexier than chiseled abs framed by the V that led down to the long, weighty cock, already standing at attention. Jethro's fingers grazed across Tony's muscled thigh and he watched as it quivered under his touch.

"Spread your legs," he ordered quietly, too caught up in the moment to be his usual, demanding self.

"I am," Tony replied.

"Wider," Jethro prompted, "keep going." His fingers danced along Tony's inner thighs, coming teasingly close to his ball sac before traveling back down again, completely ignoring what he wanted to touch the most.

"I can't," Tony whimpered. Beads of sweat glistened on his forehead in the dull light of the setting sun.

"Yes you can," Jethro soothed. He tugged Tony towards him and eased his legs back, pulling his hips in the air slightly and allowing him to open himself up even more. "There ya go," he praised. "We'll work on that." His hands followed his eyes, roaming the body all laid in front of him. "Comfortable?"

"I am, actually," Tony admitted. His legs were spread so wide he was practically doing the splits but the angle Jethro had moved his body to and some intensive stretching at the gym over the past several months kept the discomfort away. Under normal circumstances Tony would've felt vulnerable and exposed and it would've been a big turn off for him but with Leroy Jethro Gibbs kneeling over him, studying every inch of his body, the vulnerability and exposure couldn't have been more exciting or a bigger turn on. "Fuck me," he begged in a throaty whisper, trailing a single finger down the line that separated the two sides of Jethro's six pack abs.

"I'm not ready yet."

The feral smile on Jethro's face told Tony he was in for a wild ride and sure enough, in no time at all Jethro's head disappeared between Tony's legs and he skillfully used his tongue and mouth to drive Tony to the brink before backing off and letting him cool down so he could do it all over again. He turned his body around, putting them in the 69 position and straddled Tony's head, grunting in ecstasy when Tony opened his mouth and swallowed him whole.

With every nerve ending firing all at once, Jethro pulled himself out of the vacuum grip Tony's mouth had on his cock and released Tony from his mouth. He turned once again, stealing a kiss as he got into position, desperate for a taste of himself on his lover and to share a taste of Tony with him. He reached for his dick, glistening with Tony's saliva, and lined himself up. Tony's legs were still spread as wide as possible on each side of him, his cock still standing at attention and his ball sac just loose enough to tell Jethro there was time to explore, to touch, to kiss and play.

Impatient, Tony reached between their bodies and guided Jethro in. The anticipation was getting to be too much. He was desperate for the sense of fullness, the feeling of completion their joined bodies always gave him. His hand fell away as Jethro breached his hole and Jethro instinctively buried himself balls deep inside Tony's welcoming body.

Slow and steady quickly gave way to frantic and desperate, neither man able to get enough of the other one. A battle for dominance had them rolling around, fighting for control; anxious for relief but desperate to hold on at the same time. The struggle ended with Tony on all fours, clawing at the sheets and grunting out incoherent babblings as his cock emptied itself onto the bed below without his permission, Jethro literally fucking the cum right out of him. Jethro followed with a curse and a grunt of his own when he was sure his lover was fully sated.

Breathing heavy and with sore, achy muscles from the extensive workout, both collapsed onto the bed, letting their bodies regain control.

"I'm in the wet spot," Tony mumbled into the pillow. His voice was slightly stressed from the weight of Jethro's body on top of his but it was a position he'd always felt safe and secure in.

"You're the one that laid in it," Jethro teased. He captured the tip of Tony's earlobe between his teeth and sucked gently on it making Tony squirm at the ticklish sensation even as a spark of electricity shot through his body.

"You staying?" Tony murmured, still caught up in the pure bliss of the moment.

"Not tonight," Jethro answered. He eased out of Tony and rolled over beside him, giving them both an opportunity to stretch and catch their breath. "I have a project I'm trying to finish up."

The truth was they very rarely spent an entire night together. One of them would usually end up at the other's place each evening or arrive early in the morning to spend some time together intimately before work but fear of screwing up the best thing that had happened to them kept them from getting too close; too invested in the other one. Ducky had chastised them with sayings like _'that's no way to love'_ and _'you'd both be better off if you were all in'_ and Abby just plain didn't understand their almost standoffish behavior after the day she'd caught them with their pants around their ankles in her ballistics lab but it made sense to Jethro and Tony and they weren't in any hurry to change it.

Tony pushed himself up onto his side and let his fingers play in the coarse hairs spattered across his lover's chest. He loved the calm, quiet moments they shared after their lovemaking almost as much as he loved making love to the man. It was a state very few people ever got to see Jethro in.

After a few quiet moments, Jethro took Tony's hand and rested it over his heart with his hand on top of Tony's. "Am I gonna see you in the morning?"

"Depends on if my dick or my alarm clock wakes me up," Tony answered with a soft smile. If his dick woke him up he headed to Jethro's, if it was his alarm clock he headed to work.

One corner of Jethro's mouth curved up into one of his trademark smirks. His tongue poked out and wet his lips before he leaned over and pressed his lips to Tony's. Tony let his hand trail across Jethro's chest, around to his back and glide over his ass as the man rolled over and climbed out of bed.

"You got any plans tonight?" Jethro asked as he headed for the bathroom.

"I've got a date with my DVR," Tony answered. "I need to watch some stuff so I can delete it and make room for more stuff. It's a vicious cycle."

Jethro returned, a washcloth in one hand cleaning his dick and a lighthearted look on his face. Few people truly appreciated Tony's humor but he tried to make sure he was always one of those people. "Pretty ballsy telling your boyfriend about your date with someone else."

"I'm a ballsy kind of guy."

"Yeah," Jethro agreed, his eyes moving to Tony's balls, "yeah, you are." He tossed the washcloth to Tony so he could clean himself up then started collecting his clothes which had been trailed through the apartment. Once he was dressed a still naked Tony joined him at the front door and the two shared one more kiss before he left.

* * *

"I take it by that ridiculous grin on your face you had a good night last night?" Tim teased lightly from across the bullpen.

"I'm a DiNozzo," Tony informed him, "DiNozzo's rarely have an off night and last night was certainly no exception."

"You make me sick," Tim said with mock disgust.

"I think jealous would be a more accurate way to describe what you're feeling. You really should let me be your wingman. I can help you, McLoveless."

"That's a scary thought." Tim's gaze shifted to nothing in particular, as if he were considering the option and every way it could go wrong.

"No time for that now," Gibbs commented as he strolled through the bullpen, over to his desk. "Someone left a mess for us to clean up at Rock Creek Park. Dead guy and an injured Marine."

"The Marine kill our dead guy or were they both attacked by a third party?" Tony asked, grabbing his backpack from behind his desk.

"We'll find out when we get there," Gibbs answered.

* * *

A handful of gawkers had already gathered at the crime scene and more were filtering in, curious about what had happened. Gibbs disappeared towards the uniforms for a briefing, leaving Tony and Tim to get the gear out of the truck.

"Do you ever get used to it?" Tim asked, peeking around the van door at the crowd of people.

"Being the center of attention?" Tony joked. "Having your own version of paparazzi follow you around?"

"I was being serious, DiNozzo," Tim said with a playful roll of his eyes.

Tony peeked around the door on his side of the truck then looked back at Tim. "Part of making it in our profession is learning to work with an audience, Probie," he replied. "Just ignore 'em and focus on what you've gotta do. 'kay?"

"Got it," Tim said.

The two grabbed the gear and equipment they would need to process the crime scene and headed off to find Gibbs just as Ducky was pulling up in the ME van. Jimmy had been given a few days off to study for the test he had to pass that would allow him to start advancing in his profession.

* * *

Tony was busy photographing the crime scene while their injured Marine was being looked at by the paramedics when he got the uneasy feeling that he was being watched. He did his best to shrug it off, attempting to follow the advice he'd just given Tim, but the feeling only grew stronger as it followed him. He paused, stood up tall and carefully scanned the crowd of onlookers for anyone who looked out of place. No one seemed to be paying much attention to him until he looked closer and found a set of eyes focused solely on him. Tony had the man's undivided attention and even got a disturbing smile out of him when their eyes met.

Stone faced and unrelenting Tony continued staring at the man until he realized who it was that he was staring at. It had taken a moment to place the face he hadn't seen since childhood but as soon as his brain made the connection his stomach dropped and he thought he might be sick.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs barked.

"Boss," Tony said, turning a little too quickly and ending up dizzy.

"Problem?"

"Uh, no, Boss," Tony lied, swallowing hard. He hoped his face didn't reflect how he felt.

"Our vic's name is Simon Harding," Tim said, joining the group. "Originally from New York City, he moved here five years ago and opened a restaurant in downtown DC. The business has been struggling but the guy's got a hefty nest egg stashed away. I can't find any connection to our Marine. Staff Sergeant Christopher Tatum spent his summers in New York City as a teenager but other than that they have nothing in common."

Tony's eyes grew wide as he listened to the familiar names his colleague was spouting off. His stomach dropped lower and lower, his fingers grew icy and all the blood drained from his face as a memory from childhood was suddenly and violently at the forefront of his mind—something he'd never confronted; something he never wanted to think about again.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said, oblivious to his senior field agent's sudden change in demeanor, "talk to our vic. McGee—"

"No," Tony interrupted.

Gibbs stopped, turned and got right in Tony's face. "Excuse me?"

"No," Tony said shaking his head.

Tim watched in horror and complete shock and did the only thing he could think to do—try to save Tony from their boss's wrath. "Uhh, I can talk to Tatum," he offered.

Gibbs turned to face Tim, unsure how to react to Tony's sudden disregard for his orders or what to think of it. When he turned back around again Tony was gone, the camera he'd been snapping pictures with on the ground where he'd been only moments earlier.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: One Lie, Two Lies, Three Lies, Four… **

Tony was well aware his rapidly jiggling foot was vibrating the entire car and betraying the calm outward appearance he liked to have in front of his coworkers but no matter how hard he tried—and boy was he trying—he couldn't calm the nervous energy and still his leg. Thankfully, Jimmy was gracious enough to not say anything, even though Tony was certain his little gremlin brain was whirring with questions about why Tony had called and practically begged him to come to the crime scene and pick him up and what had him so on edge.

"You sure you want me to drop you off at NCIS, Tony?" Jimmy asked cautiously. "We could go back to my place for a while. I could use a break from studying." _And you don't look like you're in any condition to work, _he added silently. Jimmy knew Tony wouldn't want the others to see him in the state he was in and he really wanted to protect Tony but Tony had to be willing to let him.

All the adrenaline coursing through Tony's veins had his brain in overdrive and seemed to allow him to process thoughts much quicker. He considered Jimmy's offer for a few seconds before nodding his head almost as manically as he was shaking his leg. "That sounds great, Gremlin," he answered. "Let's go back to your place."

"You know you can talk to me, right, Tony?" Jimmy asked.

"I know," Tony answered.

"'cause you're kinda freakin' me out right now, man. What's going on?"

Tony plastered an innocent look on his face and shrugged. "Nothing's going on. Just overworked and underpaid like everybody else. I guess it's just getting to me today. No big deal. I'm fine and don't you dare go calling Gibbs and telling him otherwise. In fact, you have to promise me you won't call Gibbs."

Jimmy watched his friend's unusual behavior out of the corner of his eye while he waited for the red light to change to green. It was very obvious that Tony needed help, and more help than Jimmy could give him at that, but Jimmy wasn't the type to betray a friend's trust, especially if that friend was Tony. Tony had been a great friend to him ever since he'd started at NCIS.

"Maybe I should just let him know you're with me and you're okay," Jimmy suggested. "He'd gonna worry when he realizes you're not at the crime scene anymore."

"No, Palmer," Tony said firmly. "Do not. Call. Gibbs."

"Alright," Jimmy reluctantly agreed.

"I wanna hear you say it."

"I won't call Gibbs," Jimmy said, and he meant it. Ducky, on the other hand, would be receiving a call as soon as Jimmy got somewhere a little more private.

* * *

Gibbs waited until they were done processing the crime scene before sending Tim back to headquarters in the truck and turning his attention to Tony. He'd assumed Tony just needed some time to himself and would come wandering back eventually but it had been over an hour and there was still no sign of him. The lead agent was hoping some time alone with Tony on the ride back would give him a chance to get to the bottom of whatever was going but first he had to find him.

Tony wasn't taking his calls and he wasn't returning any messages which worried Gibbs on a whole new level. Tony knew how rare it was for him to actually leave a message and he'd left multiple messages over the course of the morning; everything from angry 'where the hell are you?' messages to more subdued 'I'm worried about you, T. Call me. Please.' messages but Tony was still in radio silence.

He decided against leaving another message when he saw Ducky approaching. "You good, Duck?" he asked, flipping his phone closed and returning it to his belt.

"I'm fine, Jethro," Ducky answered warmly. "I have everything I need. It would appear, however, that Anthony is not. I just got off the phone with Mr. Palmer. Anthony's with him."

"Palmer? Isn't he home studying?"

"He was until he got a call from Tony begging to be picked up."

"Begging?" The whole situation was getting weirder and weirder and Gibbs didn't like it one bit. "Why would Tony beg to be picked up from a crime scene? Why would he leave in the first place? And why the hell didn't he tell me?"

"I don't have any answers for you beyond what I already told you, Jethro," Ducky replied. "All Jimmy said was that Anthony seems to be quite upset and that he made him promise not to call you, which I'm assuming is the reason I got a call. Jimmy knew that I would tell you."

Gibbs tried to hide the look of hurt at Tony's attempt to shut him out of the situation and tried to keep the anger from boiling over at the same time. He couldn't decide if he wanted to go find Tony and demand answers or back off and give him the space he obviously needed to work through whatever the hell it was he needed to work through. "Where are they?" he asked.

"They're at Mr. Palmer's apartment but may I give you some advice, Jethro?"

Gibbs grunted and nodded.

"Don't go over there and confront the boy when you're angry. That won't get you the answers you desire and it won't help the situation at all."

"Why'd he go to Palmer instead of me, Duck?" Gibbs asked, calming slightly.

Ducky knew how much it pained Gibbs to let go of his stubborn nature and ask him that question. The man wasn't open when it came to relationships and he never asked for advice and even though Ducky felt honored that Gibbs had asked him, he wasn't going to take it easy on him. "Possibly for the same reason you sought solace with bourbon and boatbuilding in your basement during your last three marriages."

"That was different, Ducky. None of my wives understood anything about me. They weren't there for me. I wasn't there for them either but…" he let his voice trail off and ended with a shrug of his shoulders and a sour look on his face.

"And are you there for Anthony?" Ducky asked pointedly. "With your quick rolls in the hay and even quicker disappearing acts?" Pain was replaced by anger on Gibbs' face but Ducky kept going. "That's what I was talking about when I said you need to be all in. You and Anthony treat each other like one night stands and you don't talk to your one night stand about important issues. You don't let them in. You don't show them the real you, Jethro."

"No," Gibbs objected, "Tony and I aren't like that. This is different."

"Is it?" Ducky asked. He favored Gibbs with a questioning look before turning and heading back towards the van, leaving Gibbs alone to ponder what he'd said.

* * *

"We have to go," Tony demanded. He was looming over Jimmy and looking as manic as ever. He'd been pacing the living room ever since they'd arrived, a clear contradiction to the 'I'm fine' he'd told Jimmy in the car.

"Huh?" Tony had changed his mind about what he wanted so many times that Jimmy was struggling to keep up. He was growing more and more concerned by the moment. They hadn't been at his place very long and Tony hadn't relaxed at all.

"Take me back to NCIS!" Tony snapped.

"Alright," Jimmy said calmly. "Just let me get my keys and we'll go."

"We have to make a quick stop on the way," Tony grunted.

He was out the door and down the hall before Jimmy could even get his shoes on but Jimmy, patient as ever, slipped his feet into his shoes and hurried off after Tony with a smile on his face and concern in his eyes.

* * *

Abby was knee deep in evidence from three other cases when Gibbs and Tim arrived with two more boxes to add to her growing inventory. Desperate to keep up, Abby quickly scribbled her name to the evidence log and was just getting ready to get started when she realized something was off. _Gibbs _and Tim were standing in her lab holding boxes of evidence. Gibbs hardly ever delivered evidence. Where was Tony? He never passed up an opportunity to come down and see her so if he wasn't there, something must be wrong.

She pointed her remote control over her shoulder and silenced her music, worry etching itself in her expression as her mind raced with every possible horrible thing that could've happened to Tony. "Where's Tony?" She was almost afraid to ask but not knowing would be worse. "Gibbs?" One look at him and it was obvious she wasn't going to get any answers out of him. That either meant everything was fine and Gibbs was just annoyed with Tony or something so horrible had happened that Gibbs couldn't bear to talk about it. She turned her attention to McGee. "Timmy?"

"We don't know," Tim answered. "He walked away from the crime scene this morning and we haven't seen him since."

"What?!" Abby shrieked. "That's totally not like him! Something must be wrong. You guys just left him there? What if he was kidnapped? Or got lost? Or hurt? What if he's all alone out there somewhere dying?"

"DiNozzo's with Palmer," Gibbs said, cutting Abby off before she could get too out of control with theories. "Focus on the case, both of you. Abs, call when you get something. McGee, you're with me."

"But—"

"Ah-ah," Gibbs interjected, holding up a single finger to silence the forensic scientist. He leaned in and planted a quick kiss on Abby's cheek in a last ditch effort to calm her before turning and heading towards the elevator with McGee in tow. Tony not being there felt like his fault and Abby's questions felt like his failure being rubbed in. He had no answers to give them so there was no point in standing around speculating.

"Boss?" Tim's voice was almost a hoarse whisper but he spoke with as much confidence as he could muster. It was his first time having to deal with Gibbs alone. Tony was always there and he always knew how to handle the man.

"Call Metro," Gibbs said, "make sure they're bringing Tatum here when he's released from the hospital, then get started on backgrounds."

"Yes, Boss."

The elevator dinged and the two stepped out into the squad room. Gibbs had been hoping for two minutes to himself to wrap his head around the situation but seeing the director standing by his desk told him that wasn't going to happen.

"Jethro," Tom Morrow called when he saw him approaching, "I hear you left this morning with two agents and only returned with one. Where's Agent DiNozzo?"

"Dentist appointment," Gibbs lied flawlessly.

"Must've forgotten to submit his time off paperwork again," Morrow said.

Gibbs gave a slight nod of his head but didn't offer any more details. "You mind?" he asked. "I gotta hit the head."

"Sure," Morrow said. He nodded formally to McGee as he passed by the junior agent's desk on the way to elevator. Before he could push the button, the elevator dinged and Tony stepped off with a smile as bright as ever, carrying two boxes of pizza. "Everything must've gone well at the dentist," the director said, glancing at the pizza.

"Huh?" Tony asked.

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs barked, before he had a chance to blow the lie.

"Uh, gotta go," Tony told the director before scurrying over to where Gibbs was in the middle of the bullpen.

Gibbs waited until the elevator door closed with the director inside before getting right up in Tony's face and grinding out, "Where have you been?" with barely controlled anger.

Tony's smile didn't falter as he held up the pizza boxes. "I thought I'd get lunch for everyone," he answered. "Seems like it might be a long day and my brain works better on a full stomach."

Gibbs took the pizza boxes out of Tony's hand and tossed them onto his desk before crooking a finger at Tony and heading off towards the back elevator.

"What the hell is going on with you today?" he asked. "Where have you been?"

"I told you," Tony answered, still playing dumb, "getting lunch."

"That's not gonna fly with me," Gibbs ground out angrily before raising his voice even more. "I want the truth!"

Despite the anger radiating off of Gibbs and being in such close proximity with no place to run or hide, Tony laughed in response the man's question. "That _is_ the truth, Boss."

"Then don't talk to me as your boss," Jethro pleaded, desperate to understand. "Talk to me as Jethro. Tell me what's going on."

"Nothing's going on," Tony insisted. "I don't know what you're referring to."

The anger lines in Gibbs' face deepened and he got right in Tony's face again. "I'm referring to your refusal to question our victim. I'm referring to you walking away from our crime scene without a word to anyone. I'm referring to you ignoring my calls!"

Each sentence grew louder in volume but instead of standing strong in front of Gibbs like Tony had always done in the past he started shrinking back into himself more and more. The strange behavior only confused Gibbs more. Why wasn't Tony standing up to him? Where were the quips and spark and fight that made up Tony's personality? He almost looked scared and it was more than a little unsettling. Gibbs never imagined he'd be on the receiving end of that look. Why all the lies? When had they started lying to each other? And why, all of a sudden, wouldn't Tony talk to him? He'd been fine the night before. Jethro was sure of it and he'd been his usual goofy self in the bullpen that morning but now he was disappearing from crime scenes, lying and looking like a loud noise might send him running and screaming in the opposite direction.

It appeared the crime that had happened at Rock Creek Park that morning wasn't the only mystery Gibbs had to solve. Another one had just landed on his plate and Tony was making it clear that he was really going to have to dig for any clues.


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning:** There's some non-consensual activity in this chapter. This is where things take a dark turn.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Human Shield**

It had been a long day already and it was barely half over. Gibbs had gone for coffee after his chat with Tony in the elevator and the more time he had to himself to think, the more upset he was over the whole situation—Tony going to Jimmy instead of coming to him, the mounting lies and Ducky's 'one night stand' comment. That was the one that had him most upset. In fact, he was fuming. He and Tony did _not _treat each other like one night stands; they meant more to each other than that. So what if they weren't in an overly romantic, lovey dovey relationship where they were constantly hanging all over each other? That wasn't what was important to them. It wasn't what made their relationship work. He would show them. He would show them all.

He made his way into the bullpen with an even larger than normal cup of coffee in his hand and a stride that lacked his normal sense of purpose because despite all the time he'd spent telling himself how strong his relationship with Tony was, doubt was starting to creep in. Tony running to Palmer and then lying to his face had sent a perfectly clear message.

"What's funny, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked, pausing between his agents' desks. The immature giggles coming from Tony's side of the bullpen and the annoyed look on McGee's face told him things hadn't been going well.

"Nothing, Boss," Tony answered. "I was just telling McHumorless a joke but he didn't get it."

Gibbs stared at Tony for a moment, trying to get a handle on the building irritation before he did something he regretted, then turned and walked over to Tim's desk. "Where're we at with the case, McGee?"

Tim shot a quick, panicked glance over to Tony before turning his attention to their boss. Tony was not acting like himself at all; anyone could see that. It was almost like he was trying too hard to be normal and failing miserably at it while denying anything was out of the ordinary. That left the bulk of the weight of the investigation on Tim's shoulders which meant Gibbs was asking him—Timothy McGee, _Probie_—about the case. It felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. _You can do this, _he told himself as he took a slow, deep breath.

"Not much in Tatum's file," he answered. "He's pretty unremarkable for a Marine. Did a nine month tour in Afghanistan last year. No marks on his record, good or bad. Uh, he um," Tim paused and made eye contact with Gibbs, "I couldn't find much of anything, Boss," he said as if he'd done something wrong.

"There's not always something to find, McGee," Gibbs told him with unexpected patience. "Where is he now?"

"Still at the hospital." A question he actually had the answer to felt like a pretty rewarding victory to Tim. "They're doing a twenty four hour psych hold on him. The Metro officer I talked to said he didn't think Tatum was faking it. I guess the guy was trying to convince everyone he was okay but some of the things he was saying set off alarm bells and his vitals were outta whack enough to concern the doctors. I was gonna go relieve Metro, watch Tatum tonight and bring him in when he's released tomorrow."

"Good," Gibbs praised. His voice didn't hold much emotion but a compliment was a compliment. "Don't let him outta your sight, McGee. Take one of the probies along with you."

"Yes, Boss."

Once Tim had gathered his things and disappeared into the elevator, Gibbs moved over in front of Tony's desk. He subtly looked around to make sure no one was listening before turning to Tony. "Cowboy steaks at my place tonight?" he offered.

"I'll stop for beer on the way," Tony replied with a smile. He really didn't want to go, knowing it was very likely that Gibbs planned on grilling him with more questions, but turning down the offer would be suspicious and his behavior had been suspicious enough for one day. Luckily he knew a surefire way to distract his lover if he started getting too curious.

* * *

Tony headed up Jethro's front walkway with a six pack of beer in one hand and his other hand rubbing his eyes. He was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to go home, fall into bed and sleep until he could wake up and find out everything that had happened earlier that day had just been a bad dream—a really, really bad dream, but having dinner with Jethro was an important part of keeping up appearances and he actually really did want to spend time with the man. He just didn't want to answer any questions.

"Hell-o," he singsonged as he stepped through the front door. "Are you decent?"

"I'm not the one that likes to walk around naked," Jethro replied with humor in his voice, and just like that their evening started off with their normal banter, just like every other evening they spent together.

Tony started humming and doing a provocative dance, pulling his shirt up and revealing his tanned chest while he gyrated his hips in a way that was anything but innocent. Jethro eyed Tony hungrily before shaking his head in amusement and turning back to the steaks cooking in the fireplace.

"I went with cherry wheat beer this time," Tony said, stopping the dancing and kicking off his flip flops. "I was in the mood for something sweet. Hope you don't mind?"

"As long as it's beer," Jethro said. "You go home and change?" The suit he'd been wearing all day had been replaced by a white undershirt and fitted jeans and his socks had come off.

"Changed at the office," Tony said with a smile. "Thought I'd slip into something a little more comfortable. Do you approve?"

"You know I do," Jethro said. Tony knew what it did to him when he walked around barefoot with jeans on. The formfitting white undershirt added to the look but if it came off too he was really going to be in trouble.

Originally he'd planned on confronting Tony, hoping the privacy of his home would give him the freedom to open up but apparently Tony had anticipated his move and was already one move ahead in their subliminal chess game. If Jethro wanted any chance at pulling off the win, he was going to have to stay focused and play harder than he'd ever played before.

But damn Tony looked good. How was he supposed to stay focused when the man showed up looking like that?

"So how do you know Tatum?" Jethro asked as he plated up the steaks and delivered them to the coffee table with the beers Tony was in the process of opening. Maybe if he started asking questions right away he could keep them on track and get ahead in the game.

"Who?"

"The Staff Sergeant at the crime scene today." He knew Tony was buying time by playing dumb but he decided to let him get away with it.

"I don't know him," Tony replied. "Why would you think that?"

"Maybe because you disappeared when I sent you to question him."

"I didn't disappear. I went to get lunch. I was hungry."

"Looks like you lost your appetite," Jethro pointed out. "You always devour my steak. Should I be worried?"

Tony smiled and shrugged. "Guess I'd just rather eat something else tonight." The devious smile on his face grew as his hand slid over into Jethro's lap.

"Fuck," Jethro moaned quietly.

"We can do that too," Tony replied in a whisper. He lowered the zipper on Jethro's pants and slipped his hand into the opening in the man's boxers.

Jethro knew he should stop Tony and they should spend the evening talking but Tony's hand was so warm and so tight around his cock and it felt so, so good. Maybe Tony just needed some semblance of normalcy. Maybe he was just having an off day and a good fuck would bring him back around. Besides, they could always talk afterwards.

His dick grew in Tony's hand as it was tugged on and twisted and he was soon pushing gently on the back of Tony's head, urging him to kiss his growing erection. Tony obliged happily and Jethro told him how beautiful his mouth was while rocking his hips and thoroughly fucking his mouth. Tony relaxed the muscles in his throat and let his lover push all the way inside him, swallowing around him when he could, sucking hard against him and tonguing him whenever he pulled out.

Jethro waited until he was on the brink before pulling out and ordering Tony to stand. "Keep your jeans on," he said as he tugged the man's shirt over his head. He moved Tony over to the side of the couch, moved in behind him and lowered his jeans just enough to expose his ass. "Bend over," he said, nipping at Tony's ear.

Tony obeyed as he listened to zipper on Jethro's pants being lowered and soon felt a couple long, slender fingers opening him up before he was filled with Jethro's dick. He closed his eyes and let the events of the day fade, focusing solely on getting caught up in the moment. "Touch me."

Jethro reached around and wrapped a strong hand around Tony's dick, delivering firm strokes while he pounded into him. Both moved in tandem until Tony was crying out in ecstasy and Jethro's breathing changed, signaling he'd reached completion as well.

"Shoulda put a towel down or something," Tony panted, staring at the thick, white lines on the arm of the couch.

"Don't care about the couch," Jethro replied, his grip still firm on Tony's hips.

Tony sighed happily as Jethro rocked their bodies back and forth until he went soft and slipped out. They got themselves and the couch cleaned up and the next thing Jethro knew, Tony was putting his flip flops on.

"Another date with your DVR?" Jethro asked. He wanted to say something else; to try to stop Tony and find a way to get him to stay but Tony was out the door with a lame excuse before he could object.

As he stood in the entryway listening to the sound of Tony's car getting farther and farther away, he realized Ducky had been right all along, they were treating each other like one night stands, and the thought devastated him. Their night had consisted of a quick fuck and Tony taking off before any real conversation could be had and he had let Tony get away with it without any fight because it had been easier than confronting him. They never should've fucked in the first place. He'd known Tony was using that as a distraction and it had worked. When had he started thinking with his dick? When had he started taking the easy way out? The safe way? And when had he and Tony started walking on egg shells around each other?

Something had to change and fast.

* * *

Tony stepped through his front door, closed it, locked it and slid against it down to the floor, ending with his head between his legs and breathing heavy. He knew he'd dodged a bullet with Jethro that evening. Luckily using sex as a distraction had worked. He doubted it would again. In fact, Jethro was probably sitting at home realizing what had happened and kicking himself for letting him get away with it. Hopefully the man wouldn't call. Tony would have to think hard about whether or not to answer the phone if he did.

"I saw you at the crime scene earlier, Anthony. You didn't stay long."

Tony's eyes grew wide as a voice interrupted the silence of the dark apartment. His whole body started shaking as he scrambled to his feet. He knew that voice. It was a voice he'd never forget. It had haunted his dreams for a long time.

The lamp next to the couch came on and Tony found himself staring at the same face he'd seen in the crowd at Rock Creek Park that morning. The man stood and made his way over Tony and all Tony could do was watch. His feet felt like they were cemented to the ground and all his attention was focused on controlling his breathing, desperately trying to stop the full blown panic attack that was threatening.

"I've missed you, Sweet Boy," the man said. He ran a hand down Tony's chest before cupping his crotch and squeezing. "You look good."

Tony closed his eyes as tightly as he could, trying to keep some semblance of control as he reverted back to a frightened thirteen year old boy.

"Such a good boy," the man praised, just like he used to do when Tony was a teenager. "Unfortunately I can't stay and play tonight."

"I got too old for you a long time ago," Tony choked out and immediately regretted opening his mouth. Not only had the hand on his crotch tightened to a painful grip, his quivering voice had given away the terror building inside him.

"I'll be watching you," the man said, his tone now threatening. "I'd hate for something bad to happen to Gibbs. I get the impression you're pretty close. Do you understand, Sweet Anthony?"

Tony could only nod as he nearly choked on the bile rising in his throat at hearing the nickname he'd been given so long ago by the monster who'd found him once again. He somehow managed to get his legs to work again so he could step aside and let the man leave.

* * *

Gibbs was well aware of the Director's presence up on the catwalk and that the man had been peering down at them all morning. He was also aware Tony's behavior was exponentially more disturbed than it had been the day before. Apparently ignoring the problem and pretending like it wasn't there hadn't helped anything. No big surprise there but he'd been hopeful. A long night of thinking while working on his boat had led him to the conclusion that it was getting to the point where he—the team leader—was going to have to do something about it and his personal relationship with Tony couldn't get in the way. The events of the morning had confirmed the decision. Half the building was whispering about the situation and the director had had eyes on them all morning.

Just before lunch he found himself in the man's upstairs office, sitting in an oversized chair in front of a ridiculously large desk. "What's going on with your team?" Morrow asked.

"My team?"

"Don't play dumb, Jethro. It doesn't suit you. I can't prove anything but I'm fairly certain Tony didn't have a dentist appointment yesterday and today half the building's whispering about his strange behavior. What's going on with your boy?"

"He's not my boy," Gibbs said pointedly, "he's an NCIS special agent and he's fine."

"Your eyesight's worse than I thought," Morrow responded. "You find out what's going on with him or I will and I'm sure neither of you would like that."

Gibbs fixed the man with a hard glare and sat silently while he waited to be dismissed. Morrow's look was just as stubborn before he finally said the word and Gibbs got up and left. He headed straight for the elevator and pushed the emergency stop button as soon it started going down. It was definitely time for him to step in and he had to be firm this time. He couldn't wait any longer.

It didn't take long for him to come up with a plan. He pulled out his phone and pressed the button for one of his speed dials. The conversation with the director and being left in the dark had soured his mood considerably.

"McGee, get Staff Sergeant Tatum in here now," he snapped, "and don't tell Tony you're coming."

"Boss?" Tim asked. He'd been at the hospital with Tatum all night and didn't have a clue what was going on.

"Just do it, McGee," Gibbs grumbled, "and make sure you walk him through the bullpen."

"You got it, Boss."

Gibbs hung up the phone, closed his eyes and shook his head. What he was doing was underhanded and he had no idea how Tony would react to it but he didn't have much of a choice. Whatever was bothering his partner had started when he'd sent him to question Tatum at the crime scene. He needed to see Tony's reaction when Tatum arrived. Hopefully it would give him something to work with in figuring out what was going on. He had to find a way to get Tony to open up because judging by his very out of character behavior, whatever was going on was something big and if the director got involved, he wouldn't be able to protect Tony anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **I apologize for this being so short. I've been battling a sinus infection and double ear infections that just won't go away. Fingers crossed it's on its way out and it'll stay gone for good this time! Thanks for your patience!

* * *

**Chapter Four: The Face of Times Past **

Tony was minding his own business and doing his best to keep his head down when the elevator dinged and Tim stepped off, followed by Christopher Tatum. The fake smile that had been plastered all over Tony's face all morning faded instantly when he found himself staring into the haunted gray eyes of the man he hadn't seen in so long; at least before their current case. Tatum looked just as startled to see Tony but neither man spoke. Gibbs watched the whole exchange like a hawk from his desk but unfortunately Tony's ringing cell phone cut the encounter short.

"McGee, get Tatum settled in the conference room," Gibbs instructed with a quiet patience. "I'll be there in a minute." His eyes were still glued to Tony, watching as the emotionless expression on his senior field agent's face turned to one of complete panic. All the blood had drained from his face and he looked more shaken than Gibbs had ever seen him.

"_So nice to see two of my favorite boys together again," _the voice on the other end of Tony's phone said. _"This brings back so many memories. Does it bring back memories for you too, Anthony?"_

With the practiced ease of a Marine sniper, Gibbs was suddenly leaning over the back of Tony's chair like he belonged there. "Something you wanna share, DiNozzo?"

Gibbs' voice in his ear startled Tony so much he dropped his phone onto his desk. He scrambled to grab it and quickly jabbed his finger into the touch screen, ending the call. "Huh?"

"Problem?" Gibbs asked calmly, his eyebrows raised in curiosity.

Tony stuttered over his words for a moment as he tried to pull himself together again. "No, no problem," he finally managed to spit out. "Just a wrong number."

"Uh-huh," Gibbs grunted. His tone didn't hide his skepticism. "You're awfully jumpy for a wrong number."

"I—uh—I'm just tired. That's all. I haven't been sleeping well."

"Keeping up with all those lies must be exhausting." Gibbs' voice was gentle as he pressed Tony for answers.

Tony didn't move, didn't even flinch at the accusation but judging by his inability to make eye contact or even breathe, Gibbs was hopeful he was on the verge of breaking and that the brokenness would send Tony running to him instead of away from him. Gibbs stood tall and, with every ounce of authority he'd earned over the years, ordered Tony to stay put while he talked to their victim.

* * *

Gibbs placed a cup of coffee from the vendor in the courtyard on the table in front of Staff Sergeant Christopher Tatum as he walked by him on his way to the chair at the head of the table. The natural light from the afternoon sun gave the conference room a warm, welcoming feeling. Gibbs hoped the inviting room and a good cup of coffee would put the Marine at ease and loosen his lips. They were twenty four hours into the case and they still had no answers. Between Tatum's overnight stay in the hospital and Tony's odd behavior the case was at a standstill but it couldn't stay like that forever.

"Agent McGee already poured me a cup, Sir," Tatum said, holding up a Styrofoam cup of the light brown water from the conference room coffee pot. The Marine's soft voice and shaky hands told a truth that all the lies in the world couldn't deny. The interview was well under way and Gibbs hadn't even asked his first question yet.

"That's nothing but dirty water, Marine," Gibbs said with a gentle smile. He took the cup and dropped it into the trashcan behind him before turning back towards Tatum. He crossed one leg over the other and settled comfortably into his chair, silently conveying he'd be there for as long as it took to get the answers he was after. "What were you doing at Rock Creek Park this morning?" he asked, digging his notebook and a pen out of his inner jacket pocket.

Tatum shrugged his shoulders in answer to Gibbs' question but Gibbs just sat quietly, drinking his coffee and letting the awkwardness of the silence grow.

"I was supposed to be meeting someone there, Sir," the Marine finally answered when he couldn't take the silence any longer.

"Who?"

"Someone," the Marine answered cryptically. "They didn't show."

"So it wasn't Simon Harding that you were meeting?"

Tatum's Adam's apple bobbed up and down in his throat as he tried to maintain his composure. "No, Sir. I've never even met that guy before this morning."

"Why'd you kill him?" Gibbs asked bluntly. "The Metro officer at the scene yesterday said you confessed to killing him."

Tatum shrugged again but his fidgety fingers and shifty eye movements told Gibbs he was getting frazzled. "It's what I've been trained to do."

"No," Gibbs replied calmly with a shake of his head. "You're a United States Marine, Son. You've been trained to hold yourself to the highest standard. You're disciplined, not careless and killing a man in the park that you claim not to have even known is careless, Marine. That's how I know you're lying to me."

"I don't have an answer for you, Sir," Tatum said. "If you don't believe me and that means I'm going to jail," he shrugged, "then could we please just get it over with? I'm ready."

"I'm not," Gibbs said, anger creeping into his tone. "That's not good enough."

The sudden outburst from a man who'd been nothing but kind to him had Tatum drawing back in fear which caught Gibbs off guard. Suddenly there was a fearful expression that mirrored Tony's staring back at him. Tatum was a United States Marine. He'd been through some of the toughest training America's military had to offer and prevailed and now he was practically cowering in his seat and why? Because Gibbs had showed some anger?

What was going on and why couldn't he get a handle on it? Was it staring him in the face but he was just too close to the situation to be able to see it? Both Tony and Tatum were holding something back; there was an unreachable part of them that seemed to hold all the answers he was looking for but his talent for tapping into it was somehow evading him.

He needed to step back and get his head on straight, try to figure out whatever it was that he couldn't see.

* * *

"Have you been avoiding me?" Abby asked suspiciously. "Because I haven't seen you all morning and I have so many questions and hardly any answers and it's giving me a headache!"

"Maybe this'll help," Gibbs said, holding out a Caf-Pow to her. Exhaustion and impatience were dripping from his voice but he reminded himself he was talking to Abby, his favorite forensic scientist—never mind she was his only forensic scientist—and forced himself to calm down.

"I'm not so sure Caf-Pow holds the answers to my questions this time, Gibbs," Abby said as she accepted the drink. She happily slurped down a big gulp before putting it aside and looking seriously at Gibbs. "I'm worried about Tony."

"That seems to be the common theme," Gibbs muttered—his way of admitting he was worried too.

"I take it that means you don't know what's going on either," Abby said. The look on Gibbs' face answered her question. "What do we do?" she asked worriedly.

"We treat this case like we would any other case with no witnesses," Gibbs answered.

"Let the evidence tell the story," Abby said with a hard swallow. "No pressure on the forensic scientist or anything."

"If anyone can handle it, it's you, Abs," Gibbs replied with a confident smile. "I have faith."

Abby smiled at the compliment as Gibbs kissed her cheek and before she knew it, he was gone almost as soon as he'd arrived.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five: Big City in a Small World**

The summer storm passing directly over Washington DC didn't disturb Jethro's sleep in the least. Bright flashes of lightning interspersed with loud cracks of thunder disturbed the otherwise peaceful evening while heavy rain watered the earth. It was actually what many would consider the perfect sleeping weather and Jethro was among them. But one thing he couldn't sleep through was a ringing cell phone. He blindly reached for the phone in the dark, flipped it open and held it to his ear.

"Gibbs," he grumbled, his voice heavy with sleep.

"Hi, Gibbs!" Abby said, perky as ever. "Is Tony with you?" She waited for an answer but one never came. "I'll take that as a no."

"What do ya got, Abs?" Gibbs asked.

"I decided to take a closer look at the evidence," Abby started. "I've been pouring over everything and I found a hidden folder on the dead guy's computer. Simon Harding was no innocent victim, Gibbs."

Gibbs sat up in bed and rubbed tiredly at his eyes. "What do you mean? What'd you find?"

"Videos," Abby said. "Sick, disgusting videos."

Gibbs knew Abby's hesitation meant nothing good but he couldn't just not ask. "What kind of videos, Abby?"

"Sex videos," Abby said before hesitating again, "with kids. Some of them look like they're from a long time ago too. Our dead guy was a child rapist."

"Son of a—"

"And he wasn't the only one," Abby interrupted.

"Tatum?" Gibbs asked. That would explain why Tatum killed Harding. He needed to keep his secret. It would also explain why he was being so tightlipped about his involvement.

"No. Not Tatum. The guy's name is David Marshall. I'm digging up everything I can on him. All I know so far is that he's from New York City. Lived there all his life."

New York City. That was a red flag. "Have you been able to link Tatum?"

"Not yet but there's a lot of files. I'm still working on getting through all of 'em."

Gibbs swallowed hard and closed his eyes tightly. "Anything linking Tony?" he asked quietly. He didn't want to ask, the answer scared him, but he needed to know.

"Nothing linking Tony either," Abby replied, "but like I said, there's a boatload of files to go through. I just thought, you know, it's the first break in the case and it would kind of explain… stuff so I thought you should know sooner rather than later. As soon as I have something solid you'll be the first to know."

"Thanks, Abs," Gibbs said before hanging up the phone. A flash of lightning lit up his room for a split second as he dropped his phone onto the nightstand. Child sex videos was a worst case scenario and the fact that some of them were from a long time ago couldn't mean anything good. Especially when he considered Marshall was from New York City—the same place Tony was from. It may have been a big city but it was still a small world.

A half an hour later Jethro slid the key he'd been given into the lock on Tony's front door and turned it without a sound. He navigated the dark apartment with ease, stripping down to his boxers as he made his way to Tony's bedroom. The long, heavy breaths coming from the bed ended with a quiet but panicked gasp as he lifted the blankets and slipped into bed behind Tony.

"You're awake," Jethro whispered, wrapping his arms around Tony and tugging him backwards, into his own body. "Did I scare you?"

"Maybe a little," Tony admitted, trying desperately to get his heart rate under control again. "I'm usually the one sneaking into your place in the middle of the night." He rolled over and nuzzled noses with the man which he instantly realized was a bad idea. Jethro could feel his heart pounding through his chest and pulled back.

"I know I didn't scare you that much," the older man said, resting his hand over Tony's heart.

"It's the middle of the night and I wasn't expecting you. You scared me _that _much," Tony lied. What had really startled him was the notion that David Marshall had somehow gotten into his place again and this time he'd come for more than just to deliver a warning.

Jethro rolled Tony over and rubbed his hand slowly and soothingly across the man's chest, hoping that would help slow his rapidly beating heart. He pressed a soft kiss to the back of Tony's neck and let himself relax when he felt Tony relax in his arms. "How'd you sleep last night?" he asked quietly.

"Huh?"

"You said you haven't been sleeping well. Was last night any better?"

"'little. Are you gonna touch me?" He was too tired to play games and keep up appearances in front of his lover. If he could just get him distracted…

"I am touching you."

"You know what I mean. It might take a second for him to crawl outta his hiding place after that scare you gave us but I'm sure I can get it up."

"That's not why I came over, Tony." The rhythmic breath sounds coming from Tony's side of the bed paused and Jethro could sense the fear but he just continued the slow, sweeping movements his hand was making across Tony's chest.

"Then why did you come over?" Tony asked hesitantly.

"To check on you," Jethro replied. "I'm worried. You been acting goofy these past couple days."

"I can explain," Tony insisted.

"No more lies, Tony," Jethro said firmly, not even giving him a chance to launch into a drawn out story filled with holes and half-truths.

Tony rested his hand on top of Jethro's, stilling it, and took a deep, calming breath as he snuggled in closer. "I'm okay," he said softly, and even though he knew it was foolish he followed it up with, "better now that you're here." This isn't what they did. They didn't simply cuddle. They didn't dig into each other's problems and try to fix them. They made love. They ate together; laughed and had fun together. Both of them had agreed that their relationship had to be that way because they both knew they sucked miserably at all the other parts but now Jethro was breaking the rules and Tony was giving him permission to. All of a sudden they were swimming in dangerous waters but before Tony had much time to process it, Jethro was asking him another question.

"Do you know anyone named David Marshall?" The question was quiet but pressing. Jethro hoped the security of the darkness would help give Tony the courage to open up.

"The name doesn't sound familiar," Tony lied, "but who knows, Senior paraded a lot of people in and out of my life when I was younger."

Jethro's initial instinct to be angry was interrupted by curiosity. Had Tony just given him a clue? He knew Tony was lying about knowing the man by the way his body tensed when he said his name but instead of calling him on it he raised up above Tony and gently kissed his temple before rolling out of bed and heading for the shower. He wouldn't lay there and listen to lie after lie again. He couldn't do that anymore. It hurt too much.

Tony held his breath until he heard the bathroom door down the hall close then he groaned into his pillow as he angrily punched the mattress. The rare moment where their relationship went from purely physical to emotional was over almost as soon as it started but even more devastating was knowing that Jethro was disappointed in him. It was almost enough to send him running to the bathroom to confess everything but he was certain that wouldn't help anything so he quickly put the thought out of his mind. He had to keep up the charade and not only that, he had to start doing a much better job of it—immediately.

By the time Jethro stepped out of the bathroom clean, freshly shaven and dressed for another long day at work, Tony had the happy plastic smile of a clown painted on his face again. The disappointment on Jethro's face deepened but he smiled anyways.

"Gonna get an early start?" Tony asked.

"Mm-hmm. See ya at the office."

"I'll grab you a cup of coffee on my way in," Tony replied. "I'm sure you'll be ready for another caffeine jolt by the time I get there."

Jethro nodded his thanks before turning and leaving. He waited until he was in the elevator before pulling his phone out and dialing Abby's number.

"Miss me already?" Abby said instead of the traditional hello.

"See if you can connect David Marshall to DiNozzo Senior," Gibbs said. There had to be something to Tony's comment about his father parading people in and out of his life when he was younger.

"Tony's dad?" Abby asked. She didn't like where this was going. Not one bit.

"Simon Harding too," Gibbs added. "I wanna know if either man ever crossed paths with Senior at any point."

"I'm trying really hard to stay positive here, Gibbs," Abby said desperately. "I realize there's a very real chance Tony was taken advantage of when he was a kid considering everything that's happened over the past couple days but now you're asking if his dad fed him to the wolves? I know Senior wasn't the ideal father and he had a lot of flaws but," she let out a pained sigh and lowered her voice to a whisper, "this would make him a monster."

"I'm not saying he's a monster, Abs," Gibbs said gently. "He might not have a clue but we need to know. Can you handle this?"

The line was silent for several long seconds before an unhappily mumbled 'yes' came out of Abby's mouth.

Jethro closed his eyes and moved the phone away from his ear long enough to rub his eyes with the back of his hand before returning it. "I'll be there shortly." The case was really starting to get to Abby and soon it would be getting to everyone. It was his job to hold the team together and keep them focused but that wasn't easy when he was struggling to hold himself together and he was clearly having a difficult time staying focused on the case. That was clear by the fact that they were starting day three and barely knew any more than they did on day one.

* * *

Tony was surprised when he arrived at NCIS and found everyone already there, hard at work. He certainly wasn't late by any means, it wasn't even 8:00 yet, but apparently he'd missed the memo that they were getting an early start that day.

"Either you guys are a bunch of overachieving brownnosers or I missed a memo," he joked, depositing a tall cup of coffee on Gibbs' desk before heading over to his own desk.

"This is a big case," Abby said, "which explains why we're all here. Gibbs said you haven't been sleeping well and he needs you fresh, which explains why you're just getting here."

"Oh," Tony said, sounding confused. He didn't know whether to be worried, upset about being left out of the loop or honored that the team was paying enough attention to be concerned about his wellbeing. "I woulda brought more coffee if I'da known everyone was here already. Where are we at with the case?"

"Abby found a secret file on Harding's computer linking him to a David Marshall," Tim said. "He's originally from New York City but he rented an apartment in DC a couple months ago. We're in the process of getting a search warrant."

"And I am on my way back to the lab to continue going through mountains of disgusting files on Harding's laptop," Abby said.

"Disgusting?" Tony asked.

"He has a thing for teenagers," Abby explained. "Young teenagers." She was pretty sure Tony already knew that but she'd chosen to believe the best until something else had been proven.

"Eww," Tony said worriedly, "that is disgusting. And he kept records of all his victims?"

"There's really no way to tell if it's _all _his victims but there are a lot of files," Abby said, trying to be sensitive to Tony's growing panic without making it obvious. "A lot of it's video files which take more time to go through but I'm getting it done. Just had to give my bleeding eyeballs a short break."

"Need any help?" Tony offered. Maybe if he was in any of those files he could find them first and delete them before anyone knew. It was a dangerous road to go down but all he was thinking about was protecting himself.

"Uh-uh," Gibbs grunted, shaking his head at Tony. He may have spent the last couple days denying what was staring him in the face but he knew better than to let Tony get his hands on any computer evidence; or any evidence at all, for that matter. "I've got something else for you to do, Skippy."

Tony swallowed hard and forced a smile onto his face. The overachievers were on the verge of linking him to Marshall and Harding. His secret would be out soon and it wouldn't just be Gibbs who found out, the whole agency was going to know. How did things keep going from bad to worse? And how much worse could they actually get before his whole world imploded?


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: **This chapter ends with a really weird awkward cliffhanger/what-the-hell-kind-of-ending-is-that last paragraph but if I pull anymore hair out over it I'll be bald and you guys will never get chapter six. I'm thinking the next chapter will pick up where this one leaves off. Also, I think I missed replying to some reviews. My sincerest apologies! I appreciate each and every one of them and will do better this time!

* * *

**Chapter Six: ****A Paradox Wrapped in an Oxymoron, Smothered in Contradiction**

"Hey, Tony. Are you feeling better?" Jimmy asked cautiously.

"Feeling better?" Tony seemed genuinely confused. Had his behavior been so erratic lately that even the autopsy gremlin had noticed? He quickly chalked it up to Palmer witnessing his freak out the day he'd picked him up at the crime scene. "I didn't know I was sick," he joked with his smile firmly back in place.

Jimmy smiled in response but the disbelieving look on his face told Tony he wasn't fooling anyone.

"When's Ducky due back?"

"You're not gonna be able to deflect forever, Tony," Jimmy replied.

"Deflect? I'm not deflecting. I'm asking when Ducky's gonna be back from his lunch with whatever nobleman or college buddy or whoever he's meeting up with." There was a hint of anger in Tony's voice but he really didn't want to push away the only person he felt offered him a safe haven.

Jimmy closed his eyes tightly for a moment, gathering the courage he needed to stand his ground. "No, you're deflecting. Every time I ask you about what's going on you change the subject. Maybe that's because you think you can get away with it with me but if it is, you're wrong. I care about you more than that, Tony. Let me help you."

Tony narrowed his eyes in anger. How dare Jimmy call him out? And how dare he be right about everything despite his best efforts to keep his secret? "I don't need any help," he snapped. "I'm fine." And with that he turned and walked out of the autopsy suite, wishing more than anything that there was a door to slam behind him to further convey his anger and disapproval. So much for Jimmy offering him a safe haven. He was turning out to be just as nosy as Gibbs was.

Tony couldn't shake the feeling that everyone was staring at him as he made his way back to the bullpen. He glanced around out of the corners of his eyes, trying to figure out what was going on and how people found out about his secret. He was sure he was doing a good job of hiding it but Jimmy had figured it out somehow and it appeared everyone else had as well. Now they were all judging him, pitying him, staring at him, waiting for him to go off the deep end… expecting some sort of a reaction out of him and even though Tony didn't want to give it to them, it was starting to feel more and more inevitable.

His breathing grew heavier as panic set in. His eyes tracked over the entire squad room but he didn't see agents busily plugging away at their cases. He saw a room full of people staring at him, pointing at him, whispering about him, _laughing _at him and he couldn't take it for one more second. Instead of making his way over to the bullpen and getting to work, he slipped into the elevator, unnoticed and disappeared before things got any worse.

* * *

"Would it be okay if I took a short break, Dr. Mallard?" Jimmy asked, trying to sound casual and nonchalant.

"Something pressing on your mind?" Ducky asked. He scrubbed all the way to elbows, rubbing the soap in well before washing it off.

"Well, uh—um, there is kinda something I need to do," Jimmy stuttered. He usually just got a yes or no when he asked to take a break. He wasn't prepared to answer questions.

"Something to do with Anthony, perhaps?" Ducky prodded.

"Uhhh—"

"May I suggest that if you're in over your head, you seek help," Ducky said with a look on his face that told his young assistant that he fully expected him to heed his advice.

Jimmy swallowed hard and quickly nodded his head. "That sounds like good advice, Doctor."

Ducky smiled and motioned towards the door after tossing the paper towel he'd dried his hands with into the trash can. "Go."

Jimmy smiled before hurrying out of the autopsy suite and pressing the button to call the elevator. He hadn't seen Tony since he'd angrily huffed out of autopsy and that was almost an hour ago. He just wanted to make sure he was okay.

Sometimes Jimmy felt like all he did was wander around the building in search of something or someone and the thing he was searching for was usually top secret so he couldn't even ask for help. He really didn't want to advertise the fact that he was looking for Tony for fear of someone getting suspicious and either asking too many questions or digging around on their own. Alerting anyone that something was off with his friend could end in disaster for the senior field agent so he went off on his own, checking all Tony's usual hangouts first and then searching in the not so obvious places.

After numerous calls that went unanswered and going through the building twice, Jimmy broke down and decided to ask Tim. Aside from Gibbs he was the most likely person to know where Tony was and his desire to protect his partner was as strong as Jimmy's. If McGee started digging, Tony's problem wouldn't turn into the latest office gossip. He cautiously looked around the nearly empty bullpen as he slowly made his way over to Tim's desk.

"Something I can help you with, Jimmy?" Tim asked, pausing what he was doing and giving his friend his full attention.

After one last look around to make sure they were alone, Jimmy lowered his voice and asked his question. "Have you see Tony lately?"

"As far as I know he's not back from lunch yet," Tim replied, trying to figure out why Jimmy was now acting weird as well. Was there something in the water?

"Who's not back from lunch yet?" Gibbs asked, strolling into the bullpen.

Jimmy's eyes widened and he shook his head frantically but subtly, trying to get Tim to not answer the question but it was already too late. Tim's response to Gibbs' question was almost immediate.

"DiNozzo."

As soon as Jimmy started mouthing words like 'no' and 'shut up' to Tim, he could feel Gibbs' presence behind him and he wished more than anything he'd never asked about Tony in the first place. He turned around and when he found himself practically nose to nose with the man, he swallowed hard and suddenly couldn't find his voice.

"Where's DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked.

"I—uh—I—I—um—uh—I don't know."

"What _do _you know?" Gibbs asked accusatorily. He knew Tony had gone to Palmer and he still wasn't happy about it. Now he had an opportunity to confront him about it.

"Nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all," Jimmy answered a little too quickly.

"That why you're so jumpy?"

"Jumpy?"

Gibbs moved even closer and lowered his voice to his most dangerous, most protective tone. "I don't believe you, Palmer," he growled. "You have two seconds to tell me everything you know or Ducky's gonna be wandering the building looking for you." He knew it was an unfair ultimatum but Jimmy seemed to know something and Gibbs got the sneaking suspicion Tony had gone to him again, judging by his strange behavior, and that _really _pissed him off. Maybe questioning Jimmy was the only way he was going to get any answers.

Jimmy swallowed hard but nodded his head. He knew better than to mess with Gibbs. Besides, he was sure Gibbs could help Tony and the man was probably much more qualified to handle whatever problem Tony was having anyways. Tony might hate him for it but Jimmy hoped he was making the right decision in telling Gibbs. "Tony came down to have lunch with me but I confronted him about his strange behavior and he ran off. That was two hours ago."

Gibbs fixed Jimmy with a hard glare for a fraction of a second before grabbing his gun and badge and ordering Tim to track Tony's phone and send him the coordinates.

"Uh, if I could, Agent Gibbs?" Jimmy said. What was he doing? He was lucky Gibbs hadn't already killed him for not coming to him in the first place. He should just leave well enough alone and disappear back to the safety of autopsy but he couldn't get his mouth to stop moving, even though Gibbs hadn't acknowledged that he'd said something. "I don't know exactly what's going on," he said as he followed Gibbs to the elevator, "but Tony seems to be in a bad place right now. He needs a friend, an understanding friend, not an angry boss."

"I know how to handle Tony, Palmer," Gibbs said dismissively as he stepped into the elevator. He turned and raised his eyebrows as if he were trying to send Jimmy a message but Jimmy didn't have a clue what the message was and before he could say anything else the elevator doors closed and Gibbs was gone.

"They're lovers," Abby said, appearing out of nowhere.

"What? No!"

"Yep! I caught 'em with their pants down in my lab once."

"You did not," Jimmy said. He was trying his best to come across as not believing the joke Abby was playing on him but his tone made it sound like a question.

"I did," Abby said with a dreamy quality in her voice and a wiggle of her eyebrows. "If anyone can help Tony right now, it's Gibbs."

"I just feel like I ratted him out or betrayed his confidence or something."

"Some problems are bigger than we can handle. Jimmy. There's no shame in asking for help. I don't know what's going on with Tony but he's not gonna be able to sweep it under the rug forever and when it comes out, Gibbs is the best person he can have in his corner."

"I don't know what's going on either but I think it's something big," Jimmy said. "I just hope Gibbs can help him." He wrapped his arm around Abby and rested his head on top of hers after she rested her head on his shoulder.

* * *

Gibbs drove like a madman through early afternoon traffic, not even waiting for Tim to pinpoint Tony's location. He had a sneaking suspicion he knew where his lover was—at least he hoped he knew. He slowed just enough to not squeal his tires as he turned into his driveway and hurried inside.

Tony's car was parked out front and Gibbs knew just where to find him. Gibbs had always tortured himself in his basement but it was usually the first place his loved ones sought refuge, Tony especially. Gibbs forced himself to calm down as he made his way down the stairs. He could see Tony sitting propped up against the wall, staring blankly across the room and silently lowered himself down next to the man. Neither of the spoke for quite some time, Gibbs unsure of what to say that he hadn't already said and Tony deep in thought.

"You kinda remind me of Santa Claus," Tony finally said. When Jethro looked over at him with curiosity Tony continued. "Whenever you're close to finishing a boat I always tell myself I'm gonna stick around and see how you get it outta the basement. That never seems to happen though. Then I show up the next day and the boat's gone. You work in mysterious ways, just like Santa."

Silence took over again and lasted several more moments before Tony opened his mouth again. Jethro remained silent, knowing no amount of pushing, prodding and demanding was going to force his lover to open up to him. "I wish you could make my problems disappear like you do your boats; make the past stay buried…" His voice trailed off, allowing Jethro an opportunity to respond.

"I messed up, Tony," he said regretfully, "with you… us… our relationship… hell, everything."

"You're Gibbs. You don't make mistakes."

"Everybody makes mistakes," Jethro replied with a gentle laugh, "and I've made more than my share. I was trying so hard not to make a mistake with you that I ended up making the biggest mistake of all. I kept you at arm's length; tried to protect you by not getting too close but only ended up hurting you even more. Definitely hurt our relationship."

"A relationship takes two people, Jethro," Tony pointed out. "We both decided how we wanted to play this. It's not on you."

"We need to do better if this is gonna work."

The 'if' scared Tony but he was too afraid to bring it up. Jethro had come after him and he was calm and seemed willing to talk and listen instead of yell and demand answers. That had to count for something. Hopefully things between them didn't change too much. Tony couldn't bear the thought of that. He sat quietly, picking at his fingers for a little while longer before speaking again. "You can't fix this," he choked out, his words so soft Jethro had to strain to hear them.

Jethro's heart fluttered in anticipation at the thought of finally figuring out what 'this' was but he successfully managed to keep the desperation out of his voice. "I can help."

Tony dropped his head to his hands, shaking it back and forth repeatedly and Gibbs could almost feel him closing himself off again.

"Please, Tony," he said, "let me in."

"You can't fix everything, Jethro!" Tony snapped. "No amount of head slaps or Gibbs glares will fix this."

"Well I sure as hell ain't gonna sit back and watch you self-destruct!" Jethro said, the anger in his tone matching Tony's. He managed to tamp down his anger and let the desperation take over, hoping if he let Tony see him vulnerable he might be willing to be vulnerable as well. "Let me in, Tony. Trust me. I've got your six."

"I'm scared," Tony whispered. "I don't wanna hurt you."

"Don't worry about me," Jethro said. "Whatever it is we'll work through it together."

Tony's entire body started shaking uncontrollably at the thought of revealing his secret but it had gotten to the point where he didn't have much of a choice. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, doing his best to push the fear away and find the courage to open up somewhere deep inside him but when he felt Jethro's arm slip around him, tug him close and hold onto him as tightly as he could, the brave front disappeared and left behind a broken man that didn't have the strength or energy to hide any longer.


End file.
